Nothing – part 2

The pain burning down my chest and I couldn’t be happier.
Here it is, a real feeling, I burn!
Each and every breath I take, the pain unbearable.
It’s raising up into my head, I can feel it, throb and vibrate.
My limbs rip, the pain doesn’t stop.
Filling my lungs with oxygen again. More powerful, the flames in my chest.
The twitching of my arms, I can’t control.
Any agony, better than the nothing I was in.
Bedded in physical misery, my memory comes back.
Just like a thunderclap.
A day on the beach, windy and cloudy. Sand under my feet, my route leading me along the beach as dark clouds set in to stay. They turn pitch black while the storm doubles its speed. I wanted to return, should have done that earlier for sure.
I turn on my heel, telling myself I should walk faster.
The world seemed to end. Looking over the waves of the wild ocean, it was like I heard someone scream.

I scanned the waves, my sight blurred by rain and sand, lashing in my face.
There I saw it, right in front of me, but miles away.
Almost I didn’t recognize, there was someone drowning. In a heartbeat, I turned around: “Help! We need help!“, I shouted out loud.
The beach earlier crowded with people, was empty now. There was not a single soul out there. I need to save this person! As I stumbled in the direction to the ocean, I slipped out of my shoes and jacket. „I’m coming to save you!“, I yelled. Arrived in the cold water, I realized how troublesome this rescue will become. Not as easy as I imagined. I pushed all my powers into my arms and legs while swimming. Never ending the time seemed while I was getting closer to my goal. I gulped way too much water, coughing and shaken from that, I still pushed through.
When I reached her, I noticed that it was a young woman, not screaming any longer.
She was floating in the high waves that surrounded us.
Was I too late? At my first try to grab her, I felt the heaviness of her body. How should I rescue her and myself? I wrapped both my arms around her shoulders, while I backstroke. Captured by the next powerful wave, I felt the water filling up my lungs.
I held her close, strongly pressing her onto my body.
Underwater, I opened my eyes. The perspective pitch black for us, in every sense.
Here it goes, my memory, floating away. Nothing up from this point.
Did my existence end right here?

The pain of breathing most likely just a phantasm, I gave it another chance.
Focusing on nothing but that, I let the memory fade. Far away.
The pain came back, burning like straight from hell. Running through my eyes, just like salty water.
When it seemed, as any minute of misery would be my end for sure, I pushed further.
Another breath.


Nothing – part 1


Isn’t it like your eyes get used to the darkness?
Well, right now, in this moment that lasts countless times, I cannot confirm that.All I see is black. „Am I still alive?“ I ask myself.
There’s no sound, that could reach my ears. Nothing. Literally, you could hear a pin falling. Every breeze you could feel if there was any. Absolute silence, darkness. I wouldn’t call this pure bleakness. Rather, I would say, it’s a perfect nothing. Besides my memories, there’s nothing and even that is just finding its way to me like drippy rain.

A Thousand tries I’ve tried to move. My body, if still alive, doesn’t obey. My limbs I cannot feel. Maybe I was buried alive? The definition of „alive“ seems complicated in the “here and now”. Did I just end being? All of a sudden, without any warning.
I wasn’t sick, wasn’t I? My memory is just coming back in tiny fractions.
No, I wasn’t sick but am I right now?
An accident, maybe? No, but I wasn’t sure about that.
Did I ever exist at all? Yes, I did even live. Happily.
Is this my end? Maybe. Maybe I missed the end just as the beginning.

As for all efforts, I put in since being in this state, there’s one I never risked: Breathing.
It never came to my mind, to give it a try and just take a deep breath.
To hope my lungs would fill with oxygen, making magic happen and end this
miserable state for a new beginning. What could I possibly lose? Besides this nothing, I was floating in.

Would the realization that there are no more breaths for me, make me sad? Feeling sadder than right now wouldn’t be possible anyway.
I needed to give it a try. Take the risk.
More tiny fractures were forming in my memory.
I felt like I tasted salt on my tongue.
Was this my brain, playing me to relieve the ultimate goodbye? I feel the wind, not a soft breeze but a powerful storm.
It feels just like the storm was throwing sharp shivers, they cut my face.
The whistle of the storm, rushing through my ears. I want to cover them, my limbs don’t obey.
They refuse to serve me still. The memory is fading. Taken away by the storm.
Not little by little but with one giant blow. It’s gone. All that remains is darkness and torturing silence. I need to breathe if I can.
How many days and hours I did hesitate, is impossible to tell.
The theory of time, no longer entangled with me. Not reachable.
Now as I am ready, I ask myself if you could ever forget how to breathe.
You’ve waited too long, missed your chance?
All power I can raise, I need to combine. There’s just no other way and so I say to myself: “Breathe, start breathing now!”

Then a whiz.
What now?

Been lucky?

As multi functional as the definition of „luck “, as big the range of ways to find it.
Maybe it’s waiting for you, at the end of the way. Watch out. Look around.
Possibly, it’s right around the corner. Just in that place, where you wouldn’t have expected it to be.
Watch out!

There’s so much you can do, to find luck. Don’t just follow the route, go other ways, too. Range the woods wade through waters and high grass. Be ready, to find you luck. What is it you are looking for? Are you aware of what you are searching? Don’t give up.

Are you witnessing when others are happy? Is it the same thing, you are looking for?
They’re smiling, having a good time. It seems whatever they were looking for, they got it.
Do you ask yourself, why you’re still in search of it?
Have you just not been lucky?

Maybe you’ve had luck in your hands, but dropped it?
Just left it there, near the path. Halfway to your big dream.
I wish you could keep that little piece of luck.
Not just obsessively pursuing the ultimate.
That you can hold this small piece of luck in your hands, unforgotten your big goal,
but able to reward this little breeze of luck.
Don’t just get lucky, get ready to feel fortunate, too.

The art of art

Art is, what you are able to see in it.
It can be colorful, shining or unclear.
Art is able to do it all, but well,
there’s nothing like a “must”.

Art is emotion.
It’s feeling and memory.
Carrying you far away or back home.

Art is effecting.
It’s shaking you when you truly see it.
That’s what it does, for those who recognize and

Art is singing.
A song that you know very well,
or a new one, which sound shows you a new world.

Art is dancing.
On your mind, within your soul and your heart. Swinging to the beat, heartbeat like.

Art is different.
For some people it’s a waste,
for others, it means the world.

Art is free.
Doing whatever it wants, not what others may dictate.  Knows no Borders, never did.


Art is a daughter of freedom – Friedrich Schiller

Of monsters and demons

„Mom, leave the door open“, Tom whispered when it was time to sleep. The light blinded him, but he felt safer when he knew it was there. As long as it was visible, nothing could happen to him. The monsters under his bed and in his closet, which they had searched and not found, like every night before going to sleep, could not harm him. Mom always said, „The monsters only exist in your imagination, Tommy, they’re not real,“ he knew she meant well but she was wrong. He was quite sure about that. He had seen them approaching him. Their grimaces pressed close to his pillow, laughing maliciously. What the monsters wanted, Tom did not know. They had never hurt him. Were they just pleased to scare him? For many nights and days, he thought about it. Did they come to explore the area and strike when the time was right? Did the mean beasts simply enjoy chasing children with a cold shiver?
Maybe they were having fun laughing about it, together with their monster friends.

The older Tom became, the fewer the monsters appeared. Night after night it was less until only a shadow was left. He stared at the ceiling when he did that long enough, he could see him. He shifted his head and looked closely at the shadow. He then became more menacing, as if he was coming down on him. After a few minutes, he had disappeared again. Until the day came when he never appeared again.

Tom was laying on his sofa as he awoke. The TV was still running. Ever since he grew up and lived alone, it happened to him regularly that he watched TV for so long until his eyes finally closed and he did not get to go to bed anymore. Blindly he reached for the remote control and switched off. He could turn off the TV, but not his thoughts. The demons that chased him were more real than the old monsters. Nevertheless, they were not tangible. What they wanted, these black thoughts, his demons, he did not know.
The bright light which had helped him fall asleep as a kid did not bring any relief. Now it was only a disturbance of his sleep. Often, he was lying in the pitch-black room, staring into the darkness. The thoughts couldn’t be stopped. The suffering of the world was enriched in them. He could not understand why he wasn’t able to let go of what it was, that took hold of him. Every night.
He found himself regaling the old monsters. Those who laughed and giggled at their supposed monster gathering, because children were in fear and fright in their beds. Thanks to them. The demons he had right now didn’t laugh.
They chased him, in complete darkness and during daylight. They were always there. Even being only in his mind, they were not less menacing. They did not leave him. The demons became a part of him.

But who had let them in?

Grab your mask

Grab your mask, it’ll fit you for sure, softly, adjusting to your face.
If it does not, try another one. The range is endless.
Hiding in the crowd, do not say a word. Wait for what the others say.
Repeat after them.

Grab your mask, take good care of it. It is vital to you, without it, you are not complete. Look at it, it’s part of you until you become a part of it.
Look into the mirror, take it off. Can you see how much more beautiful you are when you wear your mask?

Grab your mask, reach what you want to achieve. Real people, without masks, cannot achieve their goals. Do not get in the way of others, go with them. Follow the direction they go. Do not go alone, swim with the stream. Your gaze to the ground, there’s nothing to see for you up high. Reach your goal, the target of the mask you are wearing.
This is what you want.

Grab your mask, do not put it down. No one wants to see what is hidden beneath it.
Even if they ask you, leave it in his place, your face. It is your protection and your shield, your face. Don’t let them fool you. This is just a trick, a trick that is supposed to weaken you.

Grab your mask, wear it with pride.
It is what you want to be.

It is the essence of what you are.
It is being loved.
It is appreciated.
It is respected. Without your mask, you’re just YOURSELF.

Your choice

Thomas woke up sweaty and scared. He looked around, his room was all dark. All he saw was black. He took a deep breath trying not to think about the horrible pictures he had in his head. Shattering pictures of violence, right in front of him.
On his way, back home from the bar, he witnessed six men beat up two. It wasn’t possible to miss the screams of pain and anger. He looked down the byroad to see the fight, he shrugged. Blood blasted into his head, his heart beating wild. What should he do? What could he do? Anxious he tried to grab his phone, once he almost had it, he dropped it to the ground. „Fuck“, he mumbled. Right after that, he looked around. Did they hear him?
He still heard how they beat them up. The one who was already down got most of it. He called 911:
“Yes, how can we help you?” a comforting voice answered his call.
“You must send a patrol car and an ambulance, too. Ebert-Street 5”, Thomas said with a shaky voice.
“Young man, what happened?” the man asked.
“It’s happening. It’s still happening. A fight“, he said, almost sobbing.
„Looks dangerous“, he added in a scared tone.
„Thanks for reporting this, I’ll send somebody “, the man confirmed with his soft voice.
Then he hung up.

Thomas was leaning against the house wall, still anxious. He wanted to wait until the cops showed up. Minutes seemed to be hours. Hours and hours. Time passed and again he looked down the byroad. Two men were down but still, they didn’t stop beating them. Thomas sighed when the patrol car and the ambulance finally arrived. He stood there, paralyzed, staring at the cars going by on the main street. Without another look down the byroad, his legs carried him home. That night, he didn’t find any sleep. He couldn’t even think of laying down. Too horrible and haunting the images on his mind.

The next morning, it was all over the news. The horror news, all over the place.
“A deadly fight last night, one dead, one victim badly injured, still in a coma“, they reported.
Thomas was just able to make it to the sink in the kitchen to throw up. Tears were running down his face when he collapsed onto the floor.
Would he have been capable of saving them, if he wouldn’t have been such a coward?
He had the choice.
Did he?

The song of the wolf (part 3)

Burning hot, the pain rushes through my veins,
pain of transformation.
My eyes are filled with blood, blood is what I am craving for.

I’m dying, floating and falling,
iciness and fire, alternate, a tunnel full of stars,
a storm, I’m falling into,
nothing stops me.

Moments of my life flash by,
not of interest to me, I’d look away if I could,
at the same time I know, they are lost forever.
Wolves are howling, is this my end?

My heart, pumping wild, and I know,
I cannot survive. Razor sharp blades
piercing my body.

There’s nothing but me, in this universe.
My body in flames, my mind drifting away.
I let it happen, accepting the pain.

While there’s only so much I can take,
I pray the fire would burn me to ashes.
“Kill me already”, I beg,
let it be my end, right here, right now.
„It’s not the time to give up“, a voice is whispering.

A cold chill captures me,
cooling all my limbs,
all my senses, the pain fades away
like was never present.

Indescribable power arising in me,
a strength I’ve never had before.
I know I can get up, ready to fight,
now that I’m strong.

This weak human I used to be,
is no more, unable to fight,
he lost.

Here comes the wolf!